Billy Van Second Banana - Part 2

Billy Van Second Banana - Part 2


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Hilarious House of Frightenstein                                     77

-          Count Frightenstein                                                    78

-          Makeup                                                                                81

-          The Crew                                                                             83

-          Vincent Price                                                                    84

-          The Librarian                                                                  85

-          The Maharishi                                                                 88

-          Dr. Pet Vet                                                                         89

-          Bwana Clyde Batty                                                       92

-          The Oracle                                                                         93

-          Igor                                                                                        95

-          Wolfman                                                                             96

-          Grizelda the Ghastly Gourmet                               97

-          Gorilla                                                                                 100
-          House Finale                                                                     101

This is Billy’s original manuscript. 

Please note, no party or individual has been given permission or is authorized to use any part of its contents. This blog is not associated with any other individual or group.

All rights reserved. No part of this book, text, photographs, illustrations may be used or reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means by print, photocopier, internet or any way known or as yet unknown, or stored in a retrieval system.

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          HILARIOUS   HOUSE   OF   FRIGHTENSTEIN

          Of all the many, many television shows I've done over the years, I would have to say that the Hilarious House of Frightenstein was the most demanding I have ever attempted.  Originally asked to play just three of the characters, it soon ballooned into nine, not realizing at the time what I was getting myself into.  I had never heard the word 'prosthetics' before, but became very versed on the procedure and just what it entailed.

          The nine characters were :

                   Count Frightenstein

                   Bwana Clyde Batty

                   Grizelda, the Ghastly Gourmet

                   Librarian

                   Maharishi

                   Oracle         

                   Dr. Pet Vet

                   Wolfman

                   Gorilla

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COUNT   FRIGHTENSTEIN

          With each of the nine characters I played, 130 five-minute segments were required.  However, in the case of the Count, it was considerably more because his appearances occurred more frequently, acting as a sort of liaison for the whole show.  His main mission was to give Brucie life, which he was ill-equipped to do.              

          The premise of the show was to introduce a number of zany characters who all dwelled in Castle Frightenstein, located in the village of Frankenstone.  The castle was owned by The Count, 13th heir to the throne of Transylvania.  He was an odd little version of a bumbling vampire character, whose main mission was to bring the lifeless Brucie back to the land of the living.  If successful, he would earn the right to return to his most 'goryous' of homelands, Transylvania.  Brucie was a rubber dummy, created to look very much like the Frankenstein monster of the forties' movies, played by Boris Karloff.  He would always be found in the Count's laboratory, lying perpendicular on an operating table awaiting the next fruitless effort of the Count to bring him back.  It was all silly and it was all fun.

          In the beginning, the series was geared to an audience of kids from eight to twelve years old.  Surprisingly, when the show started to air, we were receiving mail from an unexpected source.  High school and college kids latched on to the characters and watching Hilarious House became a kind of cult thing, which was a bonus for us.  To this day, I am greeted by guys and girls in their thirties who say that now their kids are watching the re-runs and loving it!  It's a wonderful feeling to know that your efforts and work are that much 

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appreciated.  It was a gruelling nine months of hard work, but we ended up with 130 hour-long shows, which were later edited into half hour shows to accommodate syndication.  This whole production was done in 1971.

          The Count would always begin the show with "The Pledge." 

                   "I pledge by the sign of the three-toed sloth

                   To do my best, to do my duty,

                   To always obey the laws of the werewolf pack

                   And to never rest until Brucie lives once more

                   And takes his rightful place in the annals of distinguished monsters

                   And I can once again return to my most gory-ous of homelands,

                   Transylvania"

          The Count was costumed in the traditional garb of a vampire, albeit a poor man's version.  Complete with fangs, an ill-fitting black tuxedo, floor length cape with a silk crimson wing collar, a red heart-shaped medallion and ankle-top sneakers, just in case,  in your wildest imagination, you could ever take this little rascal seriously.  To tag it off, his makeup was completely green, in the hope that he would appear sinister in a goofy sorta' way, with a greasy tight fitting wig including the standard V-shaped cowlick on the forehead.  Thus emerged His Royal Highness Count Frightenstein, in all his mischievous majesty.

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          The big and loveable Igor was his faithful servant side-kick, who knew full well that the Count was absolutely full of himself and should be taken with a huge grain of salt.  The Count would use expressions like "Don't cloud the issues with facts" and "If I've told you once, I've told you once!"  He was a legend in his own mind and along with his meaningless attempts at inventions, nothing would phase his unconquerable ego. If things went wrong, and they always did, it was the fault of an unknown adversary who was out to get him.

          The Count and reality never did get acquainted, but so what.  We all know that a lot of times reality sucks!  He would brave the failures of his pointless efforts, and, oblivious to criticism, merely move on.  Besides his Brucie mission, he had a small bottling company within the castle walls, where he would manufacture a beverage called "Dracola", which cost one "goular" per bottle.  This too was not a successful venture.  Various words could be used to describe our Count, such as egotistical, pushy, unreasonable, outrageous, weird, stubborn and the list goes on.  Whatever term applied to our clutzy would-be inventor, the bottom line would always remain the same.  He was a bumbling saucy little guy, who, if nothing else, was harmless and humorous.

          When we finished the last segment of the Count, a number of crew guys descended upon me and forced me to the floor.  As they held me down, one of the fellas' ran up with a wooden stake and a hammer, pretending to drive it into my heart.  This would have been the wrap of all wraps for our loveable little Count!  Always nice to end anything with a good laugh and the crew had 

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become  family.  Years later, I was invited by CHCH, Channel 11, to help celebrate their 40th anniversary by guesting on a talk show with Bill Lawrence and Gordie Tapp, the focus being on our contribution over the years to the programming at CHCH.  When I entered the studio, most of the same crew were still there.  We never got around to shaking hands right away because it was just an instant hug, such was our feeling for each other.  A very rare and wonderful feeling. 

MAKEUP

          The make-up was essential for every character and extremely involved.  They hired a so-called make-up artist in Toronto, who proved to be the most incompetent fraud it was my misfortune to have endured.  In order to create these characters, a death mask was made of my face.  The procedure was that a form of clay was placed on my face, completely enveloping every pore while two straws were placed up the nostrils to allow for breathing.  Then I had to sit very still for twenty minutes until the clay hardened and the mask could be lifted off.  From the convex impression, a mould was made that would represent the exact contours of my face so that the make-up person could experiment with bits of prosthetics to create the various characters.  This particular make-up guy swore he was familiar with the procedure and had done it many times before.  It was a cruel lie and caused me a great deal of pain and discomfort.  It turned out that when the clay hardened, our Marquis de Make-up had neglected to grease my eyelashes and eyebrows and when I finally had to yank the cast off, a good deal of facial hair decided to go along too.  A face 

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mask was eventually made, which I will refer to as Librarian One.  It was formed into one solid piece of latex that enveloped my entire face.  Being a movie buff, it was reminiscent of the old classic movie The Man in the Iron Mask, starring Louis Hayward.  We devoted one day in an effort to see if this particular mask would work.  Besides being extremely uncomfortable to wear, I could not get the lips to work because the latex would not adhere properly, despite heavy applications of spirit gum (glue) and the bulkiness of the whole mask did not allow me any facial movement.  We shot several segments, but finally decided it was hopeless.  So ends Librarian One and good riddance to the jerk-off who lied. 

I was then flown to New York and had the job done by a real pro. The new Librarian made a world of difference, albeit still difficult to wear because of the glue, but the birth of Librarian Two was accomplished finally.  All of the other characters which resulted were nothing short of brilliant.  With the combination of these prosthetics, good costumes and whatever voice and body shtick I could lend to each character, we had quite a good troupe of players.  Obviously, because of the extremely involved makeup, we could only shoot one character each day.

          All of the shows were taped at CHCH-TV, Channel 11 in Hamilton, Canada.  One of the big pluses for me was the way I was treated by the folks at the station, especially the crew guys.  We all worked more like a family than just a television taping session and although the shows were all shot in one small studio, ingenuity reigned supreme.  Everyone pulled together and I am happy 

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to say that even with the pressure to churn these shows out, we did have a wonderful camaraderie and managed to squeeze in our share of laughs.  They were my sanity valve, I swear.

THE   CREW

          Overnight, the crew transformed that relatively tiny studio into whatever was required for the character being shot that day.  How these men managed to get it done on time is beyond me, but they always did, plus the lighting which usually seems to take forever.  If Bwana Clyde Batty was up to bat, we had to have a jungle for his set.  The next day, it could be the Librarian, therefore strike the jungle, prepare a cobwebbed old library containing hundreds of dusty used books.  Perhaps the Wolfman, okay, kill the library and build a radio station, complete with a stage off to the side for the ever popular dance segment with Igor.  The same applied to each and every character as to what the setting would be in order to enhance the performance.  The most difficult was always for the Count's appearances for now we had to have a laboratory.  Complete with would-be inventions (that never worked), beakers of colored water with dry ice capsules dropped in to give the impression that everything was bubbling and alive, awaiting the next foul-up by the Count.

          Unfortunately for me, the producer put the shows on air without having sufficient material in the can as a safeguard.  The consequence was that we were forced to get these segments shot, which meant that I was required to work every day for a period of nine months, without a break.  Besides which, there 

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were not enough scripts so the word improvisation became paramount, mainly because of desperation.  It was not a fun time, as we were committed to 130-hour long shows.  Not an easy undertaking, but somehow we did it. 

VINCENT   PRICE

          Vincent Price was brought in later in the tapings as the host of the show. This was a good idea because what better representative for a horror show than the king of the macabre, plus it would help to have Vincent to promote sales in the American market.  He came in for a three-day period and just read from cue cards, all of the intros for the characters.  Strangely enough, we never met when he was here, but I did work with him a year later when doing the Sonny & Cher Show and he was the guest.  Following that, he hired me on his "Horror Hall of Fame" special in Los Angeles and ironically, I played the part of an Igor character to Mr. Price.

          The show would always end with Vincent sitting in his chair amidst a background of lightning and thunder, howling wolves and haunting sounds, holding but a single lighted candle.  He would then narrate the closing remarks in his wonderfully foreboding way:

                   "The castle lights are growing dim

                   There's no one left, but me and him

                   When next we meet in Frankenstone

                   Don't come alone."

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          He would then blow out the candle and go into his famous maniacal laugh as the credits rolled.

THE   LIBRARIAN

          In the case of the Librarian, two-and-a-half hours were required to get him ready for horror.  Six different prosthetic pieces had been moulded to the contours of my face.  They were glued on by applying spirit gum to my cheeks, forehead, nose, chin and partially down my neck.  When the glue dried and the pieces were secure, makeup was carefully applied to create a very scary old gentleman.  We started at 7:00 a.m. and worked through to 5:00 p.m., sometimes longer if we did not meet our minimum quota of segments.

          In order to age the hands for the character, I had to make a tight fist and then glue was applied to the back of my hands including the fingers, toilet paper was placed onto the glue and allowed to dry.  When it was dry, I merely unclenched my fist, stretched out the fingers and behold, a thousand little wrinkles appeared, giving the desired effect of age.  Flesh-colored makeup was the finishing touch and we had ourselves some very old hands to match a very old face, to present a very old Librarian.

          Eating lunch was impossible for me because the movement of the jaw would disturb the mask pieces, causing them to separate and requiring the application of even more spirit gum, which I hated with a passion.  Using a straw, I merely lived on milkshakes mixed with eggs.  With all of the characters, our goal was to tape at least sixteen segments a day, each segment running about five minutes.  Sometimes we did better, but most times worse, 

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considering technical breakdowns, along with Murphy's Law, "If it can go wrong, it will go wrong", but with Trojan determination, we eventually managed to finish those segments as we did all the others. 

          It is truly amazing that after all the prosthetics and costumes are in place, you actually feel the character take over.  I looked into the mirror and automatically felt old.  This is when the physical application is applied to work in concert with the costume and makeup.  You move slowly and deliberately and unconsciously tend to stoop and bend your body as many older people do, plus your speech takes on a different cadence.  Any performer will tell you that when the makeup and costuming is completed, whatever the character may be, it helps no end in your performance.  You do become that character and I have found in my career that pretending you are someone else and being paid for it can be a very rewarding experience in more ways than one.

          The Librarian character was presented as a very, very old man.  He would enter his little cob-webbed library, choose a book from the shelf, sit in his dusty old wingback chair and begin to read his stories, which, he kept promising, would terrify and scare you.  Of course, he was reading tales like "Mary Had A Little Lamb" or "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", which could hardly be frightening in any way, but that was the whole idea.  He, in fact, always came off as a kindly old codger, who wouldn't hurt a fly, with one exception - the exception being a stuffed eagle, which he called Polly, permanently affixed to his wing-back chair.  He would shuffle onto the set, pick up the book for the 

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day's story telling and give Polly one helluva' whack with his cane, much to the dismay of the producer, who said it was a rented prop that cost $500.00 and he didn't want it destroyed.  Unfortunately for Polly, that's all the Librarian needed to hear, and henceforth the caning would be done with even greater gusto, such was the feeling for that producer. 

          One day, all the elements of the shoot fell into place and fifty-eight segments were shot, which meant that everything required for the Librarian was complete and we could say goodbye to this aged teller of stories.  Perhaps it was the desperation to get this character out of the way because of the discomfort of the glue, but I mustered everything within me and succeeded in finishing those segments.  They announced from the Control Booth that we had the required number of spots and that was a wrap for the Librarian forever.  Much to their surprise, I said that I wanted to do one more.  Despite their reminders that it was over and they were happy, I insisted.  I entered the set, picked up a book and pretended to read yet one more story for our little viewers.  I re-called an old poem I had memorized years before and figured I'd just let the Librarian have some fun for a change.  It was called, "Ode to a Robin."  I began the story very slowly and menacingly:

                   "As I awoke this morning,

                    When all sweet things are born

                    A robin perched upon my sill

                    To signal the coming 'morn.

                    The bird was fragile, young and gay

                    And sweetly it did sing

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                    The thought of happiness and joy

                    Into my heart did bring.

                    I smiled softly at the song

                    And as it paused a lull,

                    I gently closed the window

                    And crushed its fucking skull"

          "Now, he's a wrap!"

THE   MAHARISHI

          Each of the characters portrayed had his or her own little tale to tell.  In the case of the Maharishi, the make-up and costuming were completely different in that it was relatively comfortable.  No prosthetics, just a simple sari, dark makeup and a long grey wig with moustache was all that was required.  The Maharishi would simply sit on an elaborate carpet which was on a riser, and say the most preposterous things that made absolutely no sense whatsoever.  Holding his sitar (an Indian version of a pregnant banjo), he would attempt to prove he was the guru of all gurus.  In an East Indian accent, he would offer words of wisdom like:

                    "It is written,

                   Horticultural back-lashes of intrepid centipedes

                   travelling in a clockwise motion will inevitably

                   cause the junction of an unforeseen equation."

                                                or

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                   "It is written,

                   Platitudes of gregarious proportions when aligned with

                   questionable presumption can never know the experience

                   of curtailed apricots when in season."

Come to think of it, after listening to some politicians over the years, perhaps the Maharishi's utterings made some sense after all!  After the meaningless message was delivered, several hundred flowers would fall on his head with a "boing" sound effect thrown in when the flowers landed on him.  From under this horticultural heap, his hand would slowly appear and show the peace sign with the conviction of a Ravi Shankar, although definitely a back alley version.  Tape would stop and a small army of crew guys would descend upon the set, armed with brooms and dust bins to scoop up the flowers and whatever else was lying around, throw them onto a tarp, only to be raised up to the studio grid and on cue would be released and dumped upon the Maharishi again.  When I look back and hear some of the utterings that came out of me, which were all improvisational, I firmly believe that I could have been the door-prize at a shrinks' convention or at the very least, the poster boy for Nuts Are Us!

DR.   PET   VET

          Dr. Pet Vet was a cute little munchkin and with the facial prosthetics, he looked very much like a loveable chipmunk.   His assignment was always the same, arriving every day at the Count's castle with some new little creature to give to Igor as a pet.  Igor of course would have to get permission from the Three-Toed Sloth, in order to keep the animal as his friend.  The sloth was non-existent to the viewers, but Igor would always go to the dungeon and ask for 

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the Sloth's permission to keep the pet.  A soundtrack of strange growls and beastly sounds would always reply in the negative to his request and with great sadness, Dr. Pet Vet would take whatever creature he had, back to whence it came.  There was quite a variety of animals to say the least.  Everything from snakes, monkeys, salamanders, turtles and the ever-favourite puppy dogs and pussy cats.  The purpose for the Doc was to show up with whatever creature was available and tell the audience what it was, where it could be found and just about everything you ever wanted to know about the little critter.  Most of the time, things went along quite smoothly, but we did have some interesting variations on the routine.  On one occasion, I was holding a little hamster on the palm of my hand, when he decided to travel to points unknown.  I have no idea why he decided to become a sky diver, but he did, much to my dismay.  Perhaps he read a book on flying squirrels and said, "To hell with them, watch me."   I picked him up and said "Oh look Igor!  Our little friend has gone to sleep!"  I felt terrible. I'm an animal lover from way back, but am more than happy to say that he recovered without anything broken and I'm sure, a new respect for air travel!  Fly the friendly skies did not apply in his case. 

          Handling large turtles presented a problem that I could have done without.  The only way you can handle a large turtle is by holding it from the rear end in order to avoid being bitten or clawed.  However, the drawback of this was that a number of these creatures would relieve themselves just as I was carrying them onto the set.  I guess the only word I can use to describe this 

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phenomenon is "yuck"!  For obvious reasons, details need not be shared, but most of the time, everything went well and the educational message was delivered. 

          On one fateful day, a new little adventure was about to unfold.  I was presented with a four-foot green rat snake, placed in a terrarium without a lid or any covering on top.  Our beloved producer didn't feel it was necessary and besides that, it would have cost money.  I do not have a particular aversion to snakes.  Dogs and cats had been my challenge up to this point and I can bravely say that I had fared very well with them, however, this little encounter would prove to be quite different.  I entered the set carrying the terrarium containing our not-too-happy serpent, who obviously was on a mission to renegotiate his contract.  As usual, the loveable Igor was excited about Dr. Pet Vet bringing him a new friend, always aware that Mr. Sloth would inevitably refuse him permission to keep it.  The dialogue was always standard.  "Hello Igor, I have a new friend for you.  This is a four-foot long green rat snake and I call him "Greeny"."  With that announcement, I proceeded to explain all-you-ever-wanted-to-know about green rat snakes and I made the mistake of pointing to our voracious viper with my hand extended.  I was standing close to his inadequate confines when I noticed he became a tiny bit frisky in a slow serpentine way.  That was an obvious flashing amber light for what was to follow. "Bang" like they say in the movies ... "He got me!"  I've never witnessed anything in my life move so fast.  It was a blur and the next thing I saw was blood on the back of my hand.  There was no immediate pain because I was obviously in shock.  Looking at my hand and seeing the blood from the fangs, I was amazed at the span of the bite.  The head of my rambunctious reptile was 

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not much bigger than the end of my thumb, however, when he made his lightning move, his jaws extended to cover a distance of three knuckles and I do not have a small hand.  Fortunately for me, this particular species was not poisonous. 

          Here I was, doing a kid's show.  But at this point, the cuddly Doctor abandoned his cute voice and educational dialogue and for a brief moment, let out a variety of choice adjectives, nouns, verbs, etc., that would have made a stevedore blush.  In other words, I didn't utter "I'll be darned."  Needless to say, this particular segment was never aired for obvious reasons.  I am not maligning this little snake in any way.  The poor thing was only defending himself the only way he knew how and I certainly got the message.  The following week, I had to handle a seven-foot boa constrictor hanging on my neck and found the experience not unpleasant at all.  He was quite well-behaved and I was assured that he had been well fed and was quite content as was I.

BWANA   CLYDE   BATTY

          The name of this character was actually a comedic twist on the long ago famous adventurer Clyde Beatty.  I gave "Bwana" a very broad Cockney accent and he could be found each and every day in his own private little jungle, welcoming the viewers with his standard "Oooga Booga, Bwana Clyde Batty at your service."  As I mentioned earlier, all of the segments would run approximately five minutes.  Two of those minutes were devoted to a segment of film showing some form of wildlife which Batty would describe.  The remaining three minutes would hopefully be entertaining by means of Freddy, 

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our Sound Effects Audio Director, who would constantly, on his whim, pick some outlandish sound effect and interrupt whatever Bwana was trying to say.  On most occasions, I was able to field whatever he threw at me and ad lib my way through it.  However, one day, our mischievous Freddy decided that it was time he had some fun and must have looked deep into the archives of sound effects in order to torture me with his maniacle mission and put me to the test!

          The segment started out as usual with the Bwana greeting and the film clip of some animal.  I can't recall the order of the effects he gleefully shot down at me, but they were varied to the extreme.  They included such things as the usual jungle sounds, interspersed with war planes attacking, elephant stampedes, cars backfiring, trains screaming by and the list goes on ad infinitum.  Freddy was in his glory watching me struggle to respond to these ridiculous interruptions.  Finally we realized that we were now nine minutes into a five-minute bit, but Freddy had thrown caution to the wind and no one was going to spoil his frivolous mood.  I had run out of retorts to his prankishness, when, as they say, he threw one in that broke the camel's back!  What came down was the sound of a U.S. Cavalry charge, complete with men screaming and bugles blaring, descending on our jungle host who just gave up, saying, "Hey Freddy, will 'ya just fuck off!"  That day, we had some genuine belly laughs which didn't happen too often.  Thanks Freddy, I enjoyed that crazy day!

THE   ORACLE

          This guy was straight out of the Arabian Nights of the astrological world.  To develop a voice for him, I used a cross between Sabu, the Elephant Boy and 

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the foreboding actor Peter Lorre.  The costuming and set were very elaborate to say the least.  Shrouded in beautiful colors of satin and silk, he gave the appearance of an all-knowing master of the signs and stars, but came off more like an Inspector Clousseau of Astronomy!  In each show, he would always manage to knock over and appear to break his crystal ball, which in reality was a cheap little plastic fish bowl turned upside down.  One of the tricky things performing this character was trying to handle tarot cards with glued on 3 inch fingernails.  The costuming and makeup were not particularly uncomfortable to wear, compared to some of the other characters, except that the long fingernails did present a problem which required some dexterity to say the least.  Once the fingernails were in place and cemented to my own nails, nail polish was applied and those mini-daggers were meant to stay.  To remove them and re-do the whole procedure again was at least a twenty-minute job.  Hence, answering the inevitable call of nature became a challenge of extreme delicacy, requiring the skill of an Edward Scissorhands.  I now had my own version of "Free Willie" to deal with and I hadn't reached the catheter stage in my life.  Somehow I managed to very carefully manoeuvre my way around the problem with nothing damaged, just in case I ever entertained the idea of another "little Van" running around the house someday.  I wasn't unhappy when all of the Oracle segments were on tape and he was sent to that big astrological sign in the sky, never to blunder again.  As he always said at the end of each show, "Look to the stars, look to the stars", as if he had a clue what knowledge they held!

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IGOR

          What words can I use to describe this wonderful man whose heart was all as big as his body.  His real name was Fischka Rais and he was from South Africa.  Fish tipped the scales at 445 lbs. and his agility was uncanny when it came to dancing.  I would pick him up each morning for the drive to Hamilton for the day's taping.  When he would finally get his huge frame into my car, a notable list of the vehicle would occur.  It must have been a strange sight to see us on the highway moving along at a 45^o angle!  In Castle Frightenstein, his duty was to be the ever-suffering servant to the strange goings-on of the Count.  He would suffer through the Count's ravings like, "Sometimes the Count is never wrong and you can count on that" and the list of absurdities went on.  Igor would merely roll his eyes to the camera and await the next silly comment that would inevitably follow. He made the whole nine months of shooting almost pleasurable and we formed a wonderful friendship for each other.

          Two years after we finished Hilarious House, Fish had an obesity by-pass operation and they goofed.  I was in Los Angeles taping the Sonny & Cher show when I got word that Fish was ailing.  I flew back to Toronto and immediately phoned him in the hospital.  He said "Thanks for calling mate", "Could you bring me a 7-Up and some mayonnaise?"  Whatever his reason for that strange request, I'll never know and it doesn't matter.  When I arrived at his bedside, complete shock smacked my whole body.  What I saw was not the rolly-poly fun guy of 445 lbs. I had worked with and grew to love, but a frail 165 lbs. of his 

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former self.  We tried to joke and reminisce about the show and our many laughs together, but I knew as did he, that for him it was close to the final wrap.  Two days later, he was gone.  I lost a buddy, but I'll keep the memories.  Farewell dear friend.

WOLFMAN

          Wolfman was a lot tougher to play than most of the other characters because of the even more involved prosthetics.  The pieces to be applied to my face were much thicker and hairier, requiring an even heavier application of the very sticky spirit gum which was absolutely necessary.  It would take about two hours to complete the process for the character's makeup which had to be worn for seven hours.  The show itself was wise in not making any reference to time in order to protect sales in the future.  Even with the Wolfman, he would always refer to the songs he played as "Here's a golden oldie from way back when."  The voice used for this character was low and gravely, which I had used on a number of occasions in my voice-over work in commercials and always referred to it as my tough truck driver's sound.  I had never heard of the famous DJ Wolfman Jack and when someone mentioned that I sounded like him, I made it a point to listen to his show and was flabbergasted at the similarities in style and sound.  Imagine, imitating a guy I was never aware even existed.

          The tag of all the segments for the Wolfman, was to play one of the 'Golden Oldies' whereby my character would leave the DJ set, known as Station E.E.C.H., grab a guitar and walk to a stage where he would dance to the tune playing on the turnstile.  Once on the stage, a series of colorful electronic effects reminiscent of psychedelic strobe lights, would be used to enhance a flashing technicolor background, showing me in silhouette which was visibly 

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effective.  I have always prided myself in being able to move in tempo to any rhythm and this particular bit of the show proved to be no problem.  Six or seven bars into the selected song, I would be joined by the huge and loveable Igor.  As a team, we weren't too shabby and these bits came off fairly well.  Near the end of the Wolfman segments, enter our so-called producer who announced that as soon as we were on stage, and the silhouette effect was in place, he would stop tape and edit all the dancing later, lifting previous dancing we had done and attempt to match it to the music.  It was an obvious attempt to save time and as he always announced, "Time is money."  That expression is true, although he flogged it to death, but at the risk of doing something well and professional, it proved to be a very amateur decision for the sake of saving a buck.  I tried to explain to him that you can't take past dance routines and try to match them to another song tempo and still keep everything in sync.  Alas, to no avail.  He insisted that he could do it and after all, he was the all-knowing person in charge.  As a result of this folly, I cringe and quite frankly am embarrassed when watching a re-run of those segments.  Fishka and I always prided ourselves in striving for perfection, but this work ethic was taken away from us. We appeared like two klutzy clowns in never-never-land, who obviously were oblivious to the beat of the music - an absolutely bullheaded and stupid decision which proved to be most disappointing. 

GRIZELDA   THE   GHASTLY   GOURMET

          Quite frankly, she was a wacko!  Appearing as the hag of hags, with a high-pitched, crackly voice that I can't believe came out of me.  Her mission each day was to welcome the viewers to her crazy kitchen where she would concoct 

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the most nauseating dishes imaginable from a recipe book that defied reason.  All the ingredients around her were dreamed up by the crew whom I'm sure were vying to outdo each other as to who could be the most outrageous!  Some of the ghastly goodies at her disposal were ludicrous things like:  buzzard's mould, swamp water residue, voodoo vitamin vitals, marsupial meringue custard, bat bladders, badger bits and the list went on.  The Grizelda character would start each show announcing what she was going to prepare.  For example, "Hi there. I'm Grizelda and today we're going to make a scrumptiously delicious dish which I call Frivolous Frappe of Cowardly Custard, mangled into an exciting mush of delinquent delicacies, covered in Mergatroid Mayhem."  I made up all of these insane offerings, so when accusing the crew guys of being outrageous, I'm obviously in the proverbial glass house!

          Of all the characters played on Hilarious House of Frightenstein, I think Grizelda was the most satisfying.  Given the fact that she could be so off the wall, it gave me the opportunity to vent some of my frustrations.

          When everything was in the bowl, she would say, "That being done, let's go to the old cauldron" which, with the help of dry ice mixed with water at the bottom, gave the effect of steam from a boiling pot.  Actually there was a small tub within the cauldron to catch all of the guck that Grizelda was throwing in.  It saved a lot of cleaning up for the crew.  As she arrived at the huge vessel, she would empty this meaningless junk into the cauldron and while stirring, would chant:

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                   "Cauldron, cauldron

                   Toil and trouble

                   Cauldron boil and

                   Cauldron bubble"

         

          In her dizzy domain of a crazy kitchen, no rules applied, so she went for it!  Grizelda had a mixing bowl approximately one foot in diameter, into which these less-than-sumptuous sillies would be thrown, splashed, mangled, kneaded, bashed, pulverized, plunked or in other words, blended together for whatever dumb reason.  After all the ingredients had been dumped into the vat, she would pretend to stir this mess with her wooden spoon and then announce "Tastees Time".  She would place the ladle to her mouth, feigning to taste this mess.  At that instant, the ever-alert Freddy would shoot down the sound effect of very loud slurping.  Pausing but a second, she would contort her not too attractive face into a grotesque gargoyle-like expression and say "Yuck!  I know bad, but that's the worst" and just collapse out of sight.  Stop tape.

          The crew would rush in and begin the cleanup, adding more highly suspicious containers whereby Grizelda would then take her place for the next taping with "Hi there, I'm Grizelda!  Welcome to where the elite meet to eat."  And so began her next culinary caper.

          On the odd occasion, eggs became available.  Oh, how she loved to find eggs on the set.  These little fellas would become projectiles of pleasure.  It didn't really matter what nonsensical crap was in the bowl, if eggs were around, 

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they were going in, shell and all with the gusto of a Roger Clemens' fast ball.  On one occasion, one was thrown so hard that the bowl actually split and fell apart!  Sounds improbable, but it did happen.  As I said, Grizelda served as a wonderful release valve for me.

GORILLA

          Although the Gorilla never had lines to deliver, the physical demands were quite exhausting.  The Gorilla actually became the ninth character I played and his appearances were no less effective than all of the other characters in the calamitous Castle of Frightenstein.  You would always feel sympathy for this poor innocent animal on his pointless mission as he would simply emerge from a jungle setting, for no apparent reason.  Perhaps he was seeking directions as to where to find lady gorillas or merely a gesture of welcome to his and Bwana's friendly jungle domain.  Whatever the reason, he would be the victim of a golf ball hitting him on the head, appearing to render him unconscious each and every time.

         

          The costume eventually became unbearable because it was extremely hot to wear being made of rubber and fur from head to toe. With the added heat from the set's klieg lights blazing away, sending off heat waves of hell, it became a sauna of unbelievable proportions.  The appearance of the gorilla was interspersed throughout the show as a one-minute little humorous break for a change of pace.  We shot ninety-eight segments in one day, which was the number required for this character.  Ninety-eight falls in that furry tomb took its toll on me physically and I was one happy camper when we finally finished 

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the gorilla segments before I went completely ape.  I don't know how much weight I lost that day from perspiration, but I definitely do not recommend this procedure for weight watchers.

HOUSE   FINALE

          It was nine months of damn hard work, but also very rewarding knowing that I had achieved my goal and was proud of the finished product, despite the producer.  I walked away with the memories of a lot of laughs shared with dear friends and a feeling of a job well done.

          There is one particular memory I will treasure for the rest of my life.  There was a considerable amount of mail received from fans of Hilarious House.  One letter from a grandmother, related to a problem she was having with her granddaughter Debbie.  She told me that the 7 yr. old was having trouble sleeping and it was becoming serious.  Debbie had this thing about monsters in her bedroom and each night, she was afraid to go to sleep, but for whatever reason, she absolutely loved the Wolfman. Fortunately the lady enclosed her phone number.  On calling her and introducing myself as Billy Van, the actor who played the Wolfman, I asked if she would allow me to phone Debbie, as the Wolfman character, using my low gravely voice.  She thought it was a great idea and a day and time was agreed upon.  Calling on the pre-arranged evening, the grandmother answered and I asked her to tell Debbie that it was the Wolfman on the line.  Debbie raced to the phone and said, "Hello Wolfman" in a sweet child's voice that would melt your heart.  Immediately my character emerged and she was convinced this was really happening.  I cannot 

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recall verbatim all that was said, but I told her to forget about monsters in her bedroom because the Wolfman would always be watching over her.

          A week later, I received another call from Debbie's grandmother who couldn't thank me enough for the gesture.  Whatever was said during our talk, Debbie got over her sleeping problems and all was well.  Now that's the kind of reward that really counts for me.